What's?

What’s in this for me? lost
she left the Visitor’s Room hungering
cunt licking lesbian
my hands abandoned to jerky love
are you her kin?
here to torture me once again child
of an age still fearful of intimate embrace, exposure

Did she know that she condemned me more
than had the judge? five
years

jerking off sucking imaginary teat and cunt, wavering at offers look, man,
I can give you a better blow job than any pussy could ever!
shower room swagger

Did she know, agree, write the words for the judge? now you,
do you know
blood dripping from my fingertips just watching you stand there, golden calf, idol
goddess without guile
,
I listen to your songs, observe you daughter, finger the line
of prayer rags hung here and there dosed with tears drawn from sighs of
Lights out! “Die you motherfucking assholes! No mama ever gonna love you agin!”

So,
how could you know? cruelty
of your joyfulness, agony of your playfulness, dread
at losing you every moment before
I ever first met you, I wrote those messages to myself
poems from beyond the frontal lobe
oh, mercy, mercy, lobotomize me! I throttle my cock—
“Four Our Fathers and Three Hail Marys…My Son, stop jerking off!” Amen.

Amen. I
die so that you will bury me in your memory, love me in forgetfulness, imagine
me
as your ancient beloved. Amen.
Amen.

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